Let's change things up

Ok, não vou escrever em inglês.
Pura e simplesmente porque não me apetece, sinto-me super "cansado", pois nada corre como eu quero, mas claro, a vida é assim e já toda a gente o sabe.
No entanto, continuo a foder todas as oportunidades que tenho, não vou falar em coisas específicas porque não há assim tanta gente que leia o meu blog, e gente que me conhece muito menos porque isto é uma das minhas "safe zones", onde eu sei que me posso expressar e não ter que responder a muitas perguntas sobre isso (se tiverem alguma façam á vontade).
Vamos recapitular os ultimos 17 meses.
2016? Uma valente merda, não só estive num emprego de merda como uma rapariga que eu amava imenso decidiu não querer ficar comigo, e sim, era claro que eu gostava dela e que ela gostava de mim.(NOT HOLDING A GRUDGE ABOUT THIS!)
2017? Continua como o ano passado, desta vez não tenho uma rapariga que goste de mim da mesma maneira, pode-se dizer que me estou a tentar "fazer á vida", mas mesmo assim não é aquela chama que se sente quando sabes que gostas de alguém, quanto a isso ainda estou a ponderar o que estou a fazer mal ou o que posso fazer melhor para que corra bem.
Emprego? Só call centers ou vendas porta á porta, é triste, já recebi outras ofertas da ryanair e da british airways, mas pelo que vi, não é só um mar de rosas, fazer parte de uma Cabin Crew também é sinónimo de exploração.
Eu não me importo de ser explorado, já tenho alguma experiência no mundo de trabalho e sei perfeitamente que nada é fácil, mas só me digno a ser explorado no meu país, não no dos outros.

Entretanto, continuo em casa, sempre a secar, sempre a pensar no que posso fazer para ser produtivo (além do que já ajudo em casa), e nada me vem á cabeça, sinto que estou a voltar ao meu "old self" em que fico tímido e deprimido, e não é isto que eu quero. Fui criado e educado para ver o melhor lado das pessoas e das coisas em si, mas neste mundo sinto que fui mal integrado, devido ao simples facto de ser um conas né.

Ser um conas? Como assim?
Sim é verdade, durante grande parte do tempo fui um conas e foi isso que me dificultou parte da minha vida social/amorosa neste últimos anos.

Mas pronto, já se sabe que "Nice guys finish last", e no meu caso sinto que vou desaparecer antes de ser o último, gostava de receber o que dou, e gostava de partilhar o que sinto, mas não posso, porque sou demasiado sentimental e sensível, o que se calhar será uma mais valia com as mulheres, nah, não pensem assim, de todos os que conheço, os mais cabrões são os que têm mais gajas.

E aqui refiro-me a gajas porque eu sei que não são mulheres a sério quando vão no paleio de saco de um bagaceiro.
Mas quem sou eu para julgar? Porque afinal de contas, o conas sou eu!
Sinto-me triste e abatido pela realidade á minha volta, mas a vida é assim, e eu só tenho que lidar com isso.

PS: Se alguém quiser ir a Nina Kraviz dia 15 mandem pm ;)

The Link

I've been dealing with some pressure lately, trying to find a job, helping at home, keeping my family's spirit up and also trying to go out with friends.

To be honest things are not going as I expected and I really have no fucking clue on what I should do,
building myself up from what happened last year was the most dificult thing I have done in my whole lifetime.
Having the present thought of a girl that you are no longer able to love.
Yes, it was a heartbreak, everyone goes through those eventually, but what I experienced was a big fucking loss, I did not expect that outcome and most certainly did not want it.

Fast forward to 2k17, life moved on, I had to move on from what I didn't get and I made it alive, if anything I'd say I made it here a bit less like myself, I've grown somewhat cold to what used to be feelings to me.

I'm still a sensitive guy even if I don't show it, I'm still the same guy that would do anything for anyone, but still, I'm not happy.
This month I began to think on what was it that made me so happy before?
Simple answer? The Link.
Long answer? The ability to connect to someone, the comfortableness of being able to talk to another person, say whatever you fucking want and you know that they would understand it.
That person that has a connection with you wouldn't just be a friend, because a friendly link is really what it is, it is friendly, then I began to think, what changes from a friendly link to and actual LINK.

And again, to be completely honest I don't know and it's kinda bugging my brain a little bit, purely because there are no words to describe it.
Only actions can describe such link between two people, a straight look, a hand hold, or a ten second hug (the latter is also my fav).

I tried to form this link, and it has gone terribly wrong, I don't even think it's possible to forcebuild one, simply because the real life interaction needs to be there.

I don't really mind not getting replies to the text's/dm's/msg's I send, everyone has shit to do and I came way after all those responsibilities, I just think that, someone that tries to form a link, gives it away really easily that it's their intentions, this could be wrong though.

The Link has made me happy and afterwards only made me curious, and to be curious in this world is to be bold.
From this day, I don't really care if I show too much of my personality or too much of my depression of being in a disfunctional family, everyone has their problems and dealing with mine has taught me that we can't give up, never.


sidebar: I'm also really good at solving my friends troubles, and to be honest, sometimes it feels good to help someone go through what you already survived.

The end

Today was the end of something I have cherished for a very long time, a brothership that never sank, no matter how bad things got, we stuck together for 20 years and shared great moments with each other and friends.

We're look alikes but personality wise we're very different, I would say he's more active, but he's also more deceiving, meanwhile I'm lazier but I'm trustworthy.

Why did it have to end?
It's simple, there are some boundaries even when it comes down to family situations, betraying your family's trust is not allowed.
But we're givers, and we gave him another chance at being a family member, but it has happened again and we've become distant, I can't see a reality where I'm still friends with my own brother.

It's sad really, saying goodbye on such a harsh note, just look at me, taking my time to write this shit and feeling sad about it when I never really had control of what was going to happen.

Breaks my heart to know that he received the same education as me but he didn't seem to follow it, or even remember it at all, he's way to different than we've set out to be.

I don't really care about job preference or really any taste whatsoever, but compulsive lying and reckless behaviour must not be tolerated on family grounds.

We were brothers that grew up together to become men of the 21st century.
I guess now I'm just a lone wolf with no Soul brother to sail by my side.

My warmest regards to myself because I've tried really hard to turn this over to a positive situation, but it just seems impossible, but while trying to cope with all the family issues that have been ocurring in the last months or so, we also had to deal with the shittiest atitudes you could expect from a family member.

Of course you will be missed.

AQ




(No image because nothing can describe the amount of sadness we carry right now)

On the run just to have a moment with you

Life keeps being rough with you until you give in, because when you give in, you know that for those few minutes you will breathe out all the pressure that had built in, I keep on dreaming about doing things instead of actually doing them.

I'm surrounded by amazing people, I have a great family and great friends, but something is missing, th
ere will always be a crush or a desire, but love hasn't ensued, am I one to not fall in love because of what happened?

What made me so fragile that nowadays looking at someone makes me instantly think what they would think of me instead of me thinking how her appearance is and how she probably kicks ass at beer-pong.

At this stage in life, I feel like there are a lot of memories to be made in this time frame, but to me there is a missing link, something that would take me up in the sky and never drop me down again, I live in some sort of despair where I really want to get my life together with someone but I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

I can feel something appearing in my life soon, but I just can't tell what it is, my closest relationships with girls is being their confident, I have several girls that expose their problems to me, and I have been helping these girls solve their relationship problems with a 100% success rate.

How can this be? How can I be such a good guy and help everyone so much, mean such well to people that as of now don't really give a fuck about my relationships.

Yes, of course everyone has had a one night stand, or a fuck buddy that helps them get over some obstacles that naturally build up in life, but everyone is chasing the real thing and ever since Social Media started having mass use from us, everyone has seemed to gained some shyness.

Times have changed drastically, people will give more attention to what other people are paying attention, everything must be instagrammed, vined, snapped or tweeted, what happened to enjoying/discussing things with word and making it a personal memory.

I don't have anything against social media as I also use it, but to be entirely honest with you, I really think it carries to much power, more power that we should be able to have.
Yes the power belongs to the people, but from the moment that a simple text post or picture can ruin someones life is hard to live with.

Yes we can spread awareness, but we can also fight the problems and not just make people aware of them.

And here I am rambling.

To basically sum it up, 2k17 2months in and not much has developed, I'm gonna make a move on a girl because I'm really tired of trying to send subtle signals.

Now I'm on the run just to have a moment with you.

Build yourself to be a badass

How do you build yourself?
Find a job? Get a girlfriend? Go to the gym?
Not really, do what you want, and what makes you strive in life for such long time, like it has until now.
Building your life is hard of course but what would be the fun in life if we got everything we wanted on day one?
I know, most of you are thinking, "fuck that, I'd be a millionaire from birth if I could", I get you, but even if you were a millionaire, you would still have a dream about something, an accomplishment of some sort like a life goal.
And why should you be a badass?
Because you can, that's the answer to everything to be honest, BECAUSE YOU CAN.

Life is to be lived once and why should people be able to prohibit you from doing what you've meant to pursue since you ever thought about it?
Nike has one of my favorite mottoes "Just do It!".

There should be no excuse to not follow a dream, most likely it will be difficult and you won't be able to get it the first time around, but this is why we have a long life, to keep trying whenever we fail.

Btw, being a "badass" is not being some random fckboy that can bang every bitch in town and has swag like I got rolling papers, be a badass in your own way...
You like reading and wanna become a writer? Fucking write a fucking book!
Like eating food and not cooking it? Go to a finesse restaurant and tell them that the food is shit!
Like to play video games? Play until you're the best.


THE POINT IS:

Be whoever you need to be to yourself, build your wisdom and your freedom accordingly to what is your desire!

1luv

(and yes I know, the picture is completely unrelated!)

Living in the past

Sure it feels good, remembering good times with no responsibility involved, I guess that's what we fight for nowadays, just time to be irresponsible.
It's reasonable, we spend a full week behaving and working up our life to be a better one, just to be able to have that "fuck it" time that we all cherish because we must enjoy life.

I'm pretty sure on how to enjoy life, but are you?
Are you doing what you dreamt to do ever since you thought about growing up?
Even if you are not, it doesn't mean that you're on the wrong track, because even though life takes a toll in time on your mind and body, all the time you buy yourself to not give a fuck will be worth it.

Be it raving hard or just chillin' with friends on that legendary summer afternoon after a huge party, where you just lie half drunk on the beach enjoying that moment of silence that succumbs every bit of the good time you've had with your loving friends.

Focus on being active and doing what you want in life to make yourself happy because that's what we fight for, happiness with friends around because no one wants do die alone and who does, must've already enjoyed life to the fullest.

Don't wanna get into the "Want to kill myself" topic because I don't really believe in suicide threats, everything can be overcome and suicide is just a way fear has to make you quiet forever, don't be quiet, yell out your fucking name and let the world know that you've come to fuck shit up.

I'm feeling good because tomorrow is Sunday and just so you know, I love you for reading this <3.

Don't live in the past, make enough "fuck it" until you're not able to live in the past because you've bought more time than you could have used.

LETS GO 2K17

Shit has been rough, I've moved on with some shit, not really with others, but to be honest, I really feel like I've progressed even though it's not clearly visible to others surrounding me.

Jobless me not doing shit but playing computer games for a week threw my family&friends a bit off, but I realize that it could be a good thing that they don't realize what I'm doing at the moment.

I was struggling for a bit with all the crush didn't choose me thing, but I really think I got a new crush, she's really fucking cute and we have similar tastes.
I should probably talk to her (or not <---- this is what my mind makes me think), but lets be real, what could be the harm in trying to talk to a girl?

Of course she's going to act superior, she's being approached by a no-name guy that has never been relevant to her life.

What she doesn't know is that I'm a good guy, I'm there for everything, there has not been an instance where a friend needed help that I haven't done my best to help them achieve their goals.

I do really consider myself the kind of friend anybody would want to have, all you have to do is make me comfortable to a point where I deal with you the same way I would deal with my closest family&friends.

Of course this is not something that can be said, this is something that has to be won overtime, that's called trust, and believe me, you can trust the person that will run 2 KM just to make you stop crying because some stupid fuckboy didn't want to deal with your personality/issues/insecurity.

I am diferent, I am JM, and I've been really really patient when it comes to finding the right girl for myself, it's getting kind of nerve wrecking but to deal with this for a while to then be happy for however long it lasts, I don't mind seriously.
I'm in it for the long drive and I'm surely not stopping for any of these hoes.

Be true to yourself and others surrounding you, whoever's not cool with it, they can go fuck themselves.

Think only of this
IDGAF

I
DON'T
GIVE
A
FUCK

2K17 LETS GOOOOOOOOOO!

Domingo devia ser um dia chill

Vocês sabem que estão fodidos quando o vosso pensamento não muda, estou sentado em frente á minha secretária a escrever isto e penso para mim próprio "Quando é que vais seguir em frente?"
É bué estranho, eu não me devia sentir assim, houve closure, houve um ponto final, só que para mim parece que ainda está tudo lá, parece que foi ontem a ultima vez que falamos, mas não, já se passaram semanas, e já se passaram festas, e mesmo assim o meu pensamento não mudou. É assim que se sabe que foi uma coisa importante, se calhar tanto que nem devia chamar-lhe de coisa, mas não quero aprofundar isso.
Hoje sinto que tenho que fazer algo que mude a minha vida, o que é engraçado pois não é a primeira vez que tenho esta vontade, muito menos ao domingo ou então ás 4:30 da manhã quando estou a fumar um charro e lembro-me que tenho estudos em atraso.
Sou uma merda, afinal de contas quem é que vai olhar para mim? Ya, se calhar nem sou feio, mas não sou nenhum modelo, sou tímido como o crl e não vejo maneira de ingressar socialmente nos grupos da malta, embora já conheça grande parte do pessoal e isso, sinto-me mal por não conseguir socializar como o resto da malta. Sinto-me posto de parte, não por outros mas sim pela minha maneira de ser, por isso é que tenho que fazer uma mudança na minha vida, porque não importa o quanto nos sentimos sozinhos ou o quanto nos sentimos abandonados, porque isso não quer dizer que não possamos ser felizes, é uma luta fodida, entre amizades e corações partidos não sei se estou pronto para os corações partidos ainda.
A minha inexperiência em relações sérias deixa-me um bocado pensativo e até fico um bocado desiludido comigo mesmo por não ter tido relações mais duradouras, mas nem tudo é mau, orgulho-me de ter paciência para procurar o amor verdadeiro, não consto em listas de bagaço nem em guests de casas de putas, sou um gajo simples, sarcástico e até um quits grammar nazi.

Bottom line, não sejam burros, não desistam das coisas que sabem que vos vão fazer felizes, eu perdi a minha oportunidade, mas tu não, luta pelo teu amor.

Monday kills the lazy inside me when it comes to writting

Claro que continuas a pensar no passado, e claro que continuas a pensar no que te fez feliz durante tanto tempo, até questionas, porquê?
Não devia ter acabado, se calhar não devia ter começado, mas como ainda não podemos voltar atrás no tempo podemos simplesmente contentar-nos com o fato de que isso faz de nós quem somos hoje.
No regrets as always, mas claro que vem sempre um bocado de tristeza ao de cima.
I'd take another shot at it, sem medo, sem receio do que possa ou não acontecer, erros são para se cometer, mas só se soubermos aprender com eles, e nestes casos em que não se aprende sem cometer.
Hoje abro uma página nova e recomeço a vida como se nascesse com 19 anos, hábitos e habilitações incorporadas, quero-me sentir uma pessoa diferente, no entanto sei que vou demorar a alcançar isso enquanto procrastinar os meus deveres. Tou na idade correta para isso, ninguém me pode dizer o que fazer ou quando fazer, porque pura e simplesmente posso dizer que me tou mais a cagar, embora não esteja, esse é o mais provável acontecer se me sentir triste, não consigo trabalhar nem estudar porque não me sinto com razões para viver, psicólogos dizem que isto se associa a depressão, no entanto eu já ultrapassei uma depressão sozinho e agora sei que não é isto. Agora é segunda feira, segundo dia do segundo mês, do segundo ao mais (espero eu) feliz do século, façam a vossa felicidade, fiquem com quem vos faz feliz, não tenham receio, nem vergonha, sejam honestos e sejam queridos, amor vai aparecer e vai-vos tornar mais felizes do que imaginam.

Hoje é segunda feira, e eu não me esqueci de ninguém.

Friday's dead end

Sinto-me um artista sem inspiração, embora consiga escrever não considero isto uma forma de arte, e sim muito mais uma forma de expressão, a minha inspiração ajudava-me a socializar e a "sair da casca", será que vale a pena abrir-me para alguém? será que consigo fazer com que se abram para mim também?
O que é certo é que vai levar o seu tempo, preciso de muitas merdas, endireitar a minha vida, começar a trabalhar, começar a receber, e se calhar até preciso de mudar o meu estilo de vida para me enquadrar com quem gosto de estar, não me importava, fazia isso na boa, mas a antiga frase do amigos for life não tem o mesmo significado e baseado nisso tenho quase a certeza em como vou ter que ultrapassar isto sozinho mais uma vez. Ora bem, não é difícil, não tenho tendências suicidas nem pretendo ter, só sofro de uma condição que é preguicite aguda.
Kid Cudi é o meu melhor amigo neste momento, f1 e sentir as lyrics dele, traz-me para outro sítio onde tudo é claro e ninguém está lá para me olhar de lado de maneira a que eu tenha que mexer no telemóvel para esconder a minha timidez né.

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WHAT IF?
E se eu vira-se cara podre? Hoje é sexta, saía daqui ás 11:30 e ia direto para o Eskada engatar umas primaças pó bagaço. Epá, tenho uma dúzia de amigos que me davam logo o toque pa ir pa gandaia.
LOL, nunca na vida me metia nessa merda, sejam bagaceiros á vontade meus meninos, eu não tenho nada haver com isso.

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Basicamente vou desaparecer, não me parece que Portugal seja para mim, porém ainda não sei para onde vou, Marrocos? Macau? Austria? É uma cena a pensar a fundo, afinal de contas é mudar de país, de cidadania e de família, embora a minha família se esteja a desfazer aos bocados ainda tenho alguma, mas não posso ser eu a concertar uma coisa que não fui eu a estragar, não sejam materialistas, dinheiro vs família, nunca vão para o dinheiro primeiro.
Preciso de um fresh start porque nesta friday sinto-me num dead end e não me encontro desde que nos separámos.

Someday vou ser feliz, Pinky! :)